Friendship and our Mental Health

Friendship can be such a crucial aspect of our lives and our overall wellbeing, and supporting your friend through distressing or difficult situations can be so rewarding. But, we should always remember to take care of our own mental health alongside supporting others to ensure you don’t become overwhelmed.

For the most part, a friendship is a two-way relationship, where each can rely on the other with trust, respect and mutual support. A good friend can make such a positive difference to our lives. If you struggle with your mental health and wellbeing, a good friend can be the difference between you pulling through it or declining into ever-deeper problems as they can help to keep us grounded and supported as we navigate life’s challenges. Friendship offers us a sense of belonging and connection that is so important for our wellbeing. Humans are naturally hard-wired for socializing and being part of something, whether that is a family or interest group, someone who shares your likes, dislikes and hobbies, friendship groups, we all want to feel a sense of belonging and acceptance. Friends help us to regulate our emotions, validate our feelings and encourage a lighter side in us with fun, shared humour and memories.

As younger children, friends help us understand rules, fair play and sharing. We start to learn how we are experienced by others. As we grow to teenagers, we begin to recognize how we identify or align with certain values and ideas. Our interests become more defined and our sense of self starts to mature. We find people who ‘get us’. Friendships become even more important to our sense of belonging and we come to rely on our friends being there for us.

What happens when we don’t really have any friends we feel we can rely on? All of our problems can start to feel very weighty, we become isolated in our own thoughts and feelings with no barometer to tell us which way to go, or, how to cope when things get tricky, to give other perspectives or experiences. There is a sense of safety for us when we have someone trusted to turn to, a sense of excitement when we have someone to go somewhere with and a sense of hope when we may feel more negative.

Friendship is so important for us all, so how can we find new friends? You could start by looking locally in your community – what groups/clubs are already established that you may find of interest to meet like-minded people? Who do you often see on their own? Sparking up conversations can be difficult but often a smile and low-key comment or observation can offer an opening for a discussion to take place. Friendship can take time but try not to give up. Book clubs, exercise classes, summer clubs or shop queues can all provide opportunities for connection with others. At least you then have the group in common to start with.

If you find that friends often rely on you to help with their problems, think about what you can and cannot achieve or help with. It can be very easy to be drawn into something, which is really beyond your scope of support, when you care deeply for your friend. For this reason, it is important to be clear with your friends when you think something else or further support is needed. For example, you could perhaps help them to find information for further support, rather than trying to manage a difficult situation alone. Make sure you give yourself the time and space to think of yourself and take care of your own mental health as it can be really difficult to continue support for others when you have depleted yourself. As much as you might want to help, it can be emotionally draining offering constant support. You could perhaps try mindfulness or thinking about where you feel calm/safe to help you replenish. It may be that you have other friends you could have fun with to help set boundaries and maintain balance. It is likely to be helpful to your friend if you put a limit on the amount of time you will talk about their problems when you are together in order to shift the focus and emphasis on having a treat or some fun, which will support boosting their mood.  This must of course be done sensitively to avoid fracturing your friendship.

Often, what our friends need the most is for us to listen and validate how they are feeling. There is not always a need or expectation for you to ‘fix’ their problems. In fact, if we were to just ‘fix’ the problem it may reduce our friend’s confidence by affirming the belief that they cannot help themselves or solve their issues. It is so wonderful to have friends however it is important not to put your friendship above your own wellbeing.